Post by ratcliffesghost on May 5, 2004 23:07:09 GMT 1
Just found these on the jokes page on the Chelsea website, some are better than others
Q: How many Man Utd fans does it take to change a lightbulb? ...
A: Seven, one to change it, five to moan about it and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would have never gone out!
Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
(Replace Spurs with any team we've just walloped.)
Q. What have the Spurs 'keeper and Michael Jackson got in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.
They say that hooliganism and racism are bad, but personally I think that Peter Beardsley is the totally unacceptable face of British football.
Ferdinand has a depressed cheekbone. Still, that never stopped Beardsley - he's got two of them !!
David James' Mum phoned him up on Saturday evening. She said "I'm not coming to watch you play again, 'cause your always waving at me during the game" !!!!!
Q. What's the difference between the Spurs keeper and a taxi driver?
A. A taxi driver will only let in four at a time.
Q: why do so many housewives love newcastle?
A: 'cos they stay on top for ages & then come second
A man is walking down the street in London when he hears a woman screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air. He runs down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building. On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby. The man steps forward and calls up to the woman, "Throw down your baby and I'll catch it!"
"No! No!" the woman shouts back. "You might miss or drop my baby and she'll be killed!"
"No I won't!" shouts the man. "I am David Seaman. I was the goalkeeper for England in Euro 96 and I didn't miss a match all through the tournament. In all that time I only let the ball into my net a few times."
"What? Hardly ever?" calls the woman.
"Yes!" shouts back the man. "Every football player in the land agrees that I was the best keeper in the competition and I'm now worth over 3 million pounds ".
And with that he adopts the classic goalkeepers stance - legs apart and slightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and with his arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away from his body, with palms facing forward.
"OK!" screams the woman. "I'll trust you. I've no choice! Here she comes!"
So, with the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby from the window. However, the edge of the baby's shawl catches on the woman's watch with the result that the child goes spinning off to one side, tumbling head over heels and with her little arms and legs flailing.
The woman screams and the crowd gasps, all sure that the baby will perish because she will fall out of reach of the man.
The man remains motionless as the child descends, spinning and tumbling further and further away from him as she comes. Then when the baby is only feet from hitting the ground the man dives a full 30 feet across the pavement, catches the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulls her in towards his chest and shields her body with his left hand and arm. He hits the ground heavily on his right side and lies motionless on the pavement for a few seconds. Then, slowly, he raises himself to his feet and turns to face the crowd and everyone sees that the child is alive.
The crowd is awe-struck. Then the crowd erupts with cheers and the woman, still in danger herself, nearly faints with relief. The man, still clutching the child to his chest in his right arm, waves to the crowd of onlookers to acknowledge their appreciation.
Then, slowly and gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the baby twice on the ground, and kicks her 60 yards down the road.....
Liverpool sign a Bosnian. On his debut he scores a hat-trick and is feted by all. After the match he phones his Mum to tell her how it went. She says; I' m glad things are going well for you, son - it' s not too good here. People came to our house and wrecked it, your father was beaten up, your sister raped (as was the dog) and we're feeling pretty bad.....I just wish you'd let us stay at home in Bosnia instead of bringing us here with you.
Harry has been trying like mad to get a ticket for a league game for his mate, an exile who is coming to visit. In spite of numerous calls and visits to the club ticket office, he constantly receives the same reply: "Sorry, sir. The ground is absolutely sold out. There's not a single seat left, so there's no way we can give you a ticket." Finally, he gives up in despair, and his mate cancels his visit. The day of the match comes, and he goes along and sits in his usual seat. The match gets off to a slow start and, glancing around him, he notices, a few seats further on, an old man sitting with an empty seat next to him.
He returns his attention to the game but, by half-time, this is bugging him so much that he has to ask about it. So he leans over to the old bloke and says, "Excuse me, but why is that seat next to you empty? I've been trying for weeks to get a ticket for a mate of mine who was coming from overseas and I couldn't get one. And now I come here and find there's an empty seat just a few along from mine!"
The old man sighs, and answers wistfully, "It was my wife's. We've been coming to the match together for over forty years, but she died this week."
The younger man is taken aback and stammers embarrassedly, "Oh, I'm sorry, mate. How tactless can you get? I wish I'd never opened my mouth. But, surely, you've got kids, or relatives or someone that could've come along and kept you company, so you weren't all on your own at such a sad time?"
The old man replies, "Oh, I've got six kids, and loads of relatives, and I asked them all. But they all wanted to go to the funeral."
Q: How many Man Utd fans does it take to change a lightbulb? ...
A: Seven, one to change it, five to moan about it and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would have never gone out!
Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
(Replace Spurs with any team we've just walloped.)
Q. What have the Spurs 'keeper and Michael Jackson got in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.
They say that hooliganism and racism are bad, but personally I think that Peter Beardsley is the totally unacceptable face of British football.
Ferdinand has a depressed cheekbone. Still, that never stopped Beardsley - he's got two of them !!
David James' Mum phoned him up on Saturday evening. She said "I'm not coming to watch you play again, 'cause your always waving at me during the game" !!!!!
Q. What's the difference between the Spurs keeper and a taxi driver?
A. A taxi driver will only let in four at a time.
Q: why do so many housewives love newcastle?
A: 'cos they stay on top for ages & then come second
A man is walking down the street in London when he hears a woman screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air. He runs down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building. On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby. The man steps forward and calls up to the woman, "Throw down your baby and I'll catch it!"
"No! No!" the woman shouts back. "You might miss or drop my baby and she'll be killed!"
"No I won't!" shouts the man. "I am David Seaman. I was the goalkeeper for England in Euro 96 and I didn't miss a match all through the tournament. In all that time I only let the ball into my net a few times."
"What? Hardly ever?" calls the woman.
"Yes!" shouts back the man. "Every football player in the land agrees that I was the best keeper in the competition and I'm now worth over 3 million pounds ".
And with that he adopts the classic goalkeepers stance - legs apart and slightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and with his arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away from his body, with palms facing forward.
"OK!" screams the woman. "I'll trust you. I've no choice! Here she comes!"
So, with the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby from the window. However, the edge of the baby's shawl catches on the woman's watch with the result that the child goes spinning off to one side, tumbling head over heels and with her little arms and legs flailing.
The woman screams and the crowd gasps, all sure that the baby will perish because she will fall out of reach of the man.
The man remains motionless as the child descends, spinning and tumbling further and further away from him as she comes. Then when the baby is only feet from hitting the ground the man dives a full 30 feet across the pavement, catches the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulls her in towards his chest and shields her body with his left hand and arm. He hits the ground heavily on his right side and lies motionless on the pavement for a few seconds. Then, slowly, he raises himself to his feet and turns to face the crowd and everyone sees that the child is alive.
The crowd is awe-struck. Then the crowd erupts with cheers and the woman, still in danger herself, nearly faints with relief. The man, still clutching the child to his chest in his right arm, waves to the crowd of onlookers to acknowledge their appreciation.
Then, slowly and gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the baby twice on the ground, and kicks her 60 yards down the road.....
Liverpool sign a Bosnian. On his debut he scores a hat-trick and is feted by all. After the match he phones his Mum to tell her how it went. She says; I' m glad things are going well for you, son - it' s not too good here. People came to our house and wrecked it, your father was beaten up, your sister raped (as was the dog) and we're feeling pretty bad.....I just wish you'd let us stay at home in Bosnia instead of bringing us here with you.
Harry has been trying like mad to get a ticket for a league game for his mate, an exile who is coming to visit. In spite of numerous calls and visits to the club ticket office, he constantly receives the same reply: "Sorry, sir. The ground is absolutely sold out. There's not a single seat left, so there's no way we can give you a ticket." Finally, he gives up in despair, and his mate cancels his visit. The day of the match comes, and he goes along and sits in his usual seat. The match gets off to a slow start and, glancing around him, he notices, a few seats further on, an old man sitting with an empty seat next to him.
He returns his attention to the game but, by half-time, this is bugging him so much that he has to ask about it. So he leans over to the old bloke and says, "Excuse me, but why is that seat next to you empty? I've been trying for weeks to get a ticket for a mate of mine who was coming from overseas and I couldn't get one. And now I come here and find there's an empty seat just a few along from mine!"
The old man sighs, and answers wistfully, "It was my wife's. We've been coming to the match together for over forty years, but she died this week."
The younger man is taken aback and stammers embarrassedly, "Oh, I'm sorry, mate. How tactless can you get? I wish I'd never opened my mouth. But, surely, you've got kids, or relatives or someone that could've come along and kept you company, so you weren't all on your own at such a sad time?"
The old man replies, "Oh, I've got six kids, and loads of relatives, and I asked them all. But they all wanted to go to the funeral."