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Post by telfordSHREWS on Mar 14, 2005 16:47:19 GMT 1
Camilla + Charles Engagement..............
NEWSFLASH:Camilla happy to accept Charles' proposal of marriage but turns down Queen's offer of a weekend in Paris with her own car and driver...
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Post by Egwel Fryde on Mar 14, 2005 16:54:45 GMT 1
What does an essex girl use as protection? A bus shelter
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Post by Plywood on Mar 14, 2005 17:19:47 GMT 1
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Post by aleix on Mar 14, 2005 17:20:08 GMT 1
This bloke goes into a pizzeria and the waiter asks him:
"Whatta woulda you lika sir?"
"Fish and chips you dumbass......it's a bloody pizzeria, what do you think I want!"
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Post by faginy on Mar 14, 2005 17:20:23 GMT 1
The Welsh National Football Team.
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Post by telfordSHREWS on Mar 14, 2005 17:21:26 GMT 1
There are two crisps walking down the road . A car stops and the driver says do you want a lift, No thanks said the crisps were "Walkers"
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Post by Egwel Fryde on Mar 14, 2005 17:28:29 GMT 1
What does an accountant do when he/she is constepated(excuse spelling) works it out with a pencil.
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Post by Notme But on Mar 14, 2005 22:51:46 GMT 1
Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and Arthur Scargill.? Arther Scargill has'nt seen a Minors Helmet for 20years.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2005 22:53:48 GMT 1
faginy's new found patriotism.
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The Sceptre on his laptop
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Post by The Sceptre on his laptop on Mar 14, 2005 22:57:19 GMT 1
A woman meets a man and says "I do like your wellies". He says "thank you very much, they were made for the Irish market you know". "Really" she says, how so. "Well you see missus there is an L on one boot and an R on the other boot, so you know which way round they go". "I see" she says. "Well I reckon my knickers must be made for the the Irish market too". "Really" he says "how so". "Well, they've got a label in that says C&A"
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The Sceptre on his laptop
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Post by The Sceptre on his laptop on Mar 14, 2005 23:03:11 GMT 1
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man Starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit jacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!"
Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
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The sceptre on his laptop
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Post by The sceptre on his laptop on Mar 14, 2005 23:07:49 GMT 1
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on.
He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.
He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat.
Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
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The Sceptre on his laptop
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Post by The Sceptre on his laptop on Mar 14, 2005 23:09:35 GMT 1
A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a fish under his arm. "Do you have any fishcakes?" he asks. "Yes, of course," says the fish shop owner. "Great," replies the man, nodding at the fish under his arm, "It's his birthday.
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Post by john on Mar 14, 2005 23:17:43 GMT 1
I loved the Penguin joke Anyway: Didier Drogba calls his Jose Mourinho in the morning: "Eh, boss I not come work today - I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, my legs hurt I not come work." Mourinho replies: "You know Didier I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me a blowjob. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that." Two hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at the ground soon. And by the way, you got a nice house A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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Post by john on Mar 14, 2005 23:24:07 GMT 1
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2005 23:37:14 GMT 1
Didier Drogba calls his Jose Mourinho in the morning: "Eh, boss I not come work today - I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, my legs hurt I not come work." Mourinho replies: "You know Didier I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me a blowjob. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that." Two hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at the ground soon. And by the way, you got a nice house Has Didier Drogba got some sort of split personality problem that we don't know about?
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Post by ShrewsandRoyals on Mar 14, 2005 23:37:27 GMT 1
A car saleman was trying to get a customer to install the latest voice control CD into his car.
Confident that a demonstration would sell the piece he started to show how it would play the music you asked for.
He said soul, and it played soul music
He said rap, and it played rap music
He said rock, and it played rock music
The man was impressed and had it installed on the spot.
As he pulled out of the garage a group of children started to throw eggs at the car.
"Fc*king Kids" he shouted out at them.......
and Michael Jackson's Thriller started to play on the CD..... (allegedly)....
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Post by john on Mar 14, 2005 23:48:24 GMT 1
Nice one Sue Phil the answer is yes
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Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2005 23:51:48 GMT 1
why do blondes take the pill............
so they know what day it is............
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Post by john on Mar 14, 2005 23:56:07 GMT 1
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A police officer pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
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Post by duncowshrew on Mar 15, 2005 10:25:43 GMT 1
Fella walks into corner shop. "packet of Worcester sauce crisps please mate. Shopkeeper--"sorry there's a cancer scare on,haven't got any" Customer--"Packet of chinese chicken wings then" Shopkeeper--"sorry can't sell those either,cancer scare and all that" Customer--"Shepherds pie?" Shopkeeper--"Sorry" Customer--"Bangers and mash?" shopkeeper--"Sorry.Sudan1" Cstomer--"Oh sod it,give us 40 Bensons" Shopkeeper--"Certainly, sir. £9.50 please"
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Post by tom_leather on Mar 15, 2005 12:35:23 GMT 1
what do you call a welshman with a sheep under each arm?
pimp
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Post by BlueTone on Mar 15, 2005 13:45:43 GMT 1
Which Shrewsbury Town player was named after a German newspaper?
Gerry Daly ;D
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Post by skinner on Mar 15, 2005 15:05:29 GMT 1
David Beckham was feeling a bit sorry for Michael Jackson,what with all the presssure of his up coming court case so he thought it would be a nice idea to invite Wacko to go on holiday with Him,posh and the kids. "Alright Michael,Hows it going.Listen me and victoria are taking the kids on holiday and were wondering if you would like to come along"
"Oh I dunno" says Wacko
"come on mate,we are only going a bit of boat trip"
At which Wacko Jackos mood changes
"Thank you David,I'd love too cum on your CRUZ"
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Post by aleix on Mar 15, 2005 15:34:06 GMT 1
There's this girl on the beach with no arms or legs crying her eyes out and this guy walks by her and asks her:
"What's the matter?"
"I've never been kissed. Would you mind kissing me?"
And the guy kisses her
But she carries on crying, so the guy asks her
"What's wrong now?"
"Well, I'm still 22 and I've never been ****ed, would you mind ****ing me?"
So the guy grabs her and chucks her into the sea and says:
"Well that's ****ed you!!!"
;D
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Post by aleix on Mar 15, 2005 15:38:59 GMT 1
This bloke walking down the street with his 6 year old daughter, all nicely dressed etc, and they meet a friend of the dad.
"Hi John, is this your daughter?"
"Yes" says John
So the friend says to the girl "If you give me a kiss on the cheek I'll give you a sweet"
to which the girl replies "if you give me a bag full of sweets I'll give you a blowjob!"
;D
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