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Post by aleix on Dec 15, 2004 20:55:56 GMT 1
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Post by john on Dec 15, 2004 20:57:55 GMT 1
A drunk stumbles along a Sunday afternoon baptismal service down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stands next to the preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk, and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher. I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.
"No, I didn't!" replies the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and asks, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not Reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, then brings him out of the water and asks in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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Post by telfordSHREWS on Dec 15, 2004 20:58:14 GMT 1
A woman goes into Tesco and tells the assistant she wants a refund
>for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The assistant tells her
>that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
>
>All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts
>screaming! "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
>
>The assistant, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.
>The manager comes up to the woman and asks, "What's wrong?"
>She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he
>can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
>
>Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts
>screaming, "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
>
>In shock, the store manager pleads, "Madam, why are you saying
>that?"
>
>In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS
>GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"
>
>Her money was refunded .
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Post by john on Dec 15, 2004 21:03:08 GMT 1
 Like It Dunc A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
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Post by blueandamber on Dec 15, 2004 21:04:45 GMT 1
I have a few one liners,
what is the height of competition?
Answer) A guy peeing beside a waterfall
Why did the condom fly across the room?
Answer) It got pi$$ed off!
What's the difference between the government and the Mafia?
Answer) One of them is organized
What is the height of frustration:
Answer) A boxer trying to scratch his balls
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Post by john on Dec 15, 2004 21:08:35 GMT 1
A bloke was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the toy store and says to the shop assistant,
"How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for £19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for £19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.00". "Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.00 when all the others are only £19.95?" That's obvious, the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture.
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Post by youngestshrew on Dec 15, 2004 21:11:09 GMT 1
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Post by john on Dec 15, 2004 21:16:10 GMT 1
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Post by aleix on Dec 15, 2004 22:07:58 GMT 1
Daddy, daddy!!! Is grandma a mechanic?
No son, why?
Then why the **** is she under that bus?
;D
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Post by aleix on Dec 15, 2004 22:12:05 GMT 1
Mummy, mummy!! Grandad is not lookig too well!
Well just leave him aside and eat your chips then!
;D
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Post by ShrewsAde on Dec 15, 2004 23:06:48 GMT 1
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. "What's wrong with you?" she asked him. "Remember when your father caught us together when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said, I had two choices - I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison." Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember. So?" "I would have gotten out today."
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Post by Hughesabio on Dec 15, 2004 23:53:10 GMT 1
Two arials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married the ceromony was crap but the reception was brilliant  |
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Post by Rod on Dec 16, 2004 9:09:58 GMT 1
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They are Carols".
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Post by SlimShandy on Dec 16, 2004 14:04:58 GMT 1
A guy goes to the doctors because he's got a lettuce leaf hanging out of his backside. The doctor examines him, shakes his head and says: "I'm sorry Mr Smith, it's not good news. In fact I think this is only the tip of the iceberg."
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Post by Norge on Dec 16, 2004 14:19:43 GMT 1
Bit of an old one.......
A man walks into a bar with three little ducklings on his arm.
He proceeds to walk up to the bar and places the ducklings on to top and asks "can i three saucers of water and Pint of your best lager please" and proceeds to go off to the toilet.
Anyway, bartender serves the ducklings and asks the first one....
"Whats your name and what kind of day have you had?"
Duckling1: My names Tic and i've had a brilliant time, i've been in and out of puddles all day, absolutely superb.
"Nice one" says the bartender and so asks the next duckling the same question.
Duckling2: My names Tac and same here, i've had great fun in and out of puddles all day, couldn't have been better.
"Pleased to here it" replies the barman noticing a pattern in their names.
Turns his head to the third duckling and asks "So you must be Toe right?
Duckling3 replies angrily: No my names Puddles and don't even begin to ask me what kind of day i've had!!!
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Post by aleix on Dec 16, 2004 14:34:47 GMT 1
Hre's a few Catalan jokes. You should know that Catalan people are known for being tight 8stards (not me  ) Ho do you get 300 Catalans in a car? You throw a euro coin in it. And how do you get them out? You tell them it's a taxi *********** What does a Catalan do if he finds a bandage? He cuts himself to use it ************* This Catalan old bloke is dying and he calls his son: "Son, see this watch? My dad gave it to me. And my grandad gave it to him and so forth. You like it?" "Yes, it's great" "I'll sell it to you then" ;D |
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Post by aleix on Dec 16, 2004 14:37:04 GMT 1
I'm inspired today This guy who is standing for a constituency goes to this madhouse and this bloke comes up to him and says: "I dunno why I'm here! I'm not mad, I'm perfectly fine! They just chucked me in here and I can't get out" "If I get elected I'll see what I can do to get you out" So the politician leaves and as he's leaving this brick lands on his head "Don't forget eh!!!" |
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Post by Annie Seedball on Dec 16, 2004 17:59:07 GMT 1
Two executed Iraqis in heaven playing football. One says to the other " Over here Ahmed-on my shoulders!!
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chanterz
Midland League Division One
Welsh + Proud!!!
Posts: 284
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Post by chanterz on Dec 16, 2004 19:06:41 GMT 1
A young boy asks his Priest if God is a man or a woman. The Priest decides to tease the boy and answers that God is both. The boy then asks if God is black or white. Again the answer is both. Next question is God gay or straight. Once more the answer is both. The boy then asks "Father, is Michael Jackson God??" |
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chanterz
Midland League Division One
Welsh + Proud!!!
Posts: 284
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Post by chanterz on Dec 16, 2004 19:13:03 GMT 1
David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless w@*ker...."
;D
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