Post by daveshrew on Apr 2, 2004 23:36:17 GMT 1
I got this in an email and I thought it was brilliant! Brings back a lot of memories
(I've split the post in two because it was too long for a single message)
PRIMARY SCHOOL FOOTBALL - THE RULES OF THE GAME
> Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes
> and lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing
> of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these
> periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on
> the nihilism or "bottle" of the participants with regard to corporal
> punishment meted out to latecomers back to the classroom. In practice
> there is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten to stand in
> line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will
> hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the
> last of their G & T's and journey from the staff room, known as
> "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually
> has to physically retrieve them, known as "nutters". This sliding scale is
> intended to radically alter the logistics of a match in progress, often
> having dramatic effects on the scoreline as the number of remaining
> participants drops. It is important, therefore, in picking the sides, to
> achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the
> scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play -lunchtime, for
> instance - is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught
> of five nutters against one. The scoreline to be carried over from the
> previous period of the match is in the trust of the last nutters to leave
> the field of play, and may be the matter of some debate. This must be
> resolved in one of the approved manners (see Adjudication).
>
> Parameters
> The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles
> of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink
> throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the
> prevailing weather. As the number of players increases, so shall the
> piles. Each jacket added to the pile by a new addition to a side should be
> placed on the inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing the target
> area. It is also important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should
> jut out across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball
> went "over the post" and it can henceforth be asserted that the
> outstretched sleeve denotes the innermost part of the pile and thus the
> inside of the post. The on-going reduction of the size of the goal is the
> responsibility of any respectable defence and should be undertaken
> conscientiously with resourcefulness and imagination.
>
> In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area
> is observed as being slightly above head height, although when the height
> at which a ball passed between the jackets is in dispute, judgement shall
> lie with an arbitrary adjudicator from one of the sides. He is known as
> the "best fighter"; his decision is final and may be enforced with
> physical violence if anyone wants to stretch a point.
>
> In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is
> obviously denoted by the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In the
> absence of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far
> out the attacking winger has to meander before the pursuing defender gets
> fed up and lets him head back towards where the rest of the players are
> waiting, often as far as quarter of a mile away. It is often observed that
> the playing area is "not a full-size pitch". This can be invoked verbally
> to justify placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball at
> direct free kicks. It is the formal response to "yards", which the
> kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.
>
> Tactics
> Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team
> formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance
> - from among a number of standard options (eg 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2), the
> playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose
> 1-1-17 formation. This formation is a sturdy basis for the unique style of
> play, ball-flow and territorial give-and-take that makes the playground
> game such a renowned and strategically engrossing spectacle. Just as the
> 5-3-2 formation is sometimes referred to in practice as "Cattenaccio", the
> 1-1-17 formation gives rise to a style of play that is best described as
> "Nomadic". All but perhaps four of the participants (see also Offside)
> migrate en masse from one area of the pitch to another, following the
> ball, and it is tactically vital thatevery last one of them remains within
> a ten-yard radius of it at all times.
(I've split the post in two because it was too long for a single message)
PRIMARY SCHOOL FOOTBALL - THE RULES OF THE GAME
> Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes
> and lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing
> of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these
> periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on
> the nihilism or "bottle" of the participants with regard to corporal
> punishment meted out to latecomers back to the classroom. In practice
> there is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten to stand in
> line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will
> hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the
> last of their G & T's and journey from the staff room, known as
> "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually
> has to physically retrieve them, known as "nutters". This sliding scale is
> intended to radically alter the logistics of a match in progress, often
> having dramatic effects on the scoreline as the number of remaining
> participants drops. It is important, therefore, in picking the sides, to
> achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the
> scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play -lunchtime, for
> instance - is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught
> of five nutters against one. The scoreline to be carried over from the
> previous period of the match is in the trust of the last nutters to leave
> the field of play, and may be the matter of some debate. This must be
> resolved in one of the approved manners (see Adjudication).
>
> Parameters
> The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles
> of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink
> throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the
> prevailing weather. As the number of players increases, so shall the
> piles. Each jacket added to the pile by a new addition to a side should be
> placed on the inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing the target
> area. It is also important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should
> jut out across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball
> went "over the post" and it can henceforth be asserted that the
> outstretched sleeve denotes the innermost part of the pile and thus the
> inside of the post. The on-going reduction of the size of the goal is the
> responsibility of any respectable defence and should be undertaken
> conscientiously with resourcefulness and imagination.
>
> In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area
> is observed as being slightly above head height, although when the height
> at which a ball passed between the jackets is in dispute, judgement shall
> lie with an arbitrary adjudicator from one of the sides. He is known as
> the "best fighter"; his decision is final and may be enforced with
> physical violence if anyone wants to stretch a point.
>
> In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is
> obviously denoted by the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In the
> absence of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far
> out the attacking winger has to meander before the pursuing defender gets
> fed up and lets him head back towards where the rest of the players are
> waiting, often as far as quarter of a mile away. It is often observed that
> the playing area is "not a full-size pitch". This can be invoked verbally
> to justify placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball at
> direct free kicks. It is the formal response to "yards", which the
> kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.
>
> Tactics
> Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team
> formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance
> - from among a number of standard options (eg 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2), the
> playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose
> 1-1-17 formation. This formation is a sturdy basis for the unique style of
> play, ball-flow and territorial give-and-take that makes the playground
> game such a renowned and strategically engrossing spectacle. Just as the
> 5-3-2 formation is sometimes referred to in practice as "Cattenaccio", the
> 1-1-17 formation gives rise to a style of play that is best described as
> "Nomadic". All but perhaps four of the participants (see also Offside)
> migrate en masse from one area of the pitch to another, following the
> ball, and it is tactically vital thatevery last one of them remains within
> a ten-yard radius of it at all times.