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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 13:38:16 GMT 1
Post by stuttgartershrew on Apr 14, 2005 13:38:16 GMT 1
Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly, "that was my pager" he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm"
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "that was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand".
The Irishman felt decidedly low-tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. When returned he had a piece of toilet paper hanging from his bum. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Irishman glanced around behind and said....
b-jasus, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax !!!!!!!!
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 17:31:53 GMT 1
Post by Pilch on Apr 14, 2005 17:31:53 GMT 1
i once went on a diet and after a week i noticed a piece of lettuce sticking out from my bum i showed the doctor and he said it was just the tip of the iceberg
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 19:48:06 GMT 1
Post by morpheus on Apr 14, 2005 19:48:06 GMT 1
Woman goes to the doc and says doc "every time i pull me keks down i hear my fifi singing,..........Is this the way to amarillo!!
Doc says " not to worry dear every fifi in Britain is singing it " ;D
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 19:51:43 GMT 1
Post by lazyshrew on Apr 14, 2005 19:51:43 GMT 1
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Arsene Wenger "From my position in the dug-out I did not see the incident clearly so I cannot really comment. However, I do think that he gets picked on by opposition players and fans who are clearly chickenophobic."
David O'Leary "To be fair, he's just a baby chicken really and crossing the road is just a big exciting adventure for him. He'll enjoy the experience as long as it lasts and learn from it, but I don't seriously expect him to cross it this season."
Alex Ferguson "As far as I'm concerned he crossed the road at least a minute early according to my watch."
George Graham "I want good, solid team of chickens who'll cross the road in a straight line when they're told and how they're told. There's no room at this club for a prima donna chicken running around aimlessly - he's not worth it!"
Gianluca Vialli "When the fish are down, he'll just be one of the chaps. It doesn't matter to me whether he's an Italian, French or English chicken as long as he's willing to die on the pitch."
Peter Reid "Just cross the f***ing road, you chicken f***!"
Glenn Hoddle "The chicken was hit by the lorry when crossing the road because in a previous life it had been a bad chicken."
Brian Clough "If God had wanted chickens to cross roads he'd have put corn in the tarmac. Anyway, I'm more interested in Wild Turkey."
Ron Atkinson "Spotter's badge, Clive. For me, Chicko's popped up at the back stick, little eyebrows, and gone bang! And I'll tell you what - I've got a sneaking feeling that this road's there to be crossed."
Ruud Gullit "I am hoping to see some sexy poultry."
Gordon Strachan "I'm really proud of the wee fella. Let's face it, if it had been one of the big chickens everyone would be saying how well he'd done, but as it's one of the wee chickens it must be luck."
John Gregory "Two months ago that chicken was saying he was happy here. Now he tells me he wants to cross the road. I feel like shooting him."
Kevin Keegan "OK, so the chicken's dead, but I still feel, hey, he can go all the way to the other side of the road."
Joe Royle "I can't understand why they're letting female chickens cross roads these days. They should be at home laying eggs."
Bobby Robson "Goose, what turkey, is there a duck somewhere, where am I?"
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 19:53:13 GMT 1
Post by aleix on Apr 14, 2005 19:53:13 GMT 1
This kid asks his mum:
"Are farts heavy?"
"No" says the mum
"Then I've s**t myself"
;D
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 20:00:12 GMT 1
Post by powell_stfc on Apr 14, 2005 20:00:12 GMT 1
Lazy Shrew is a joke
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 20:02:15 GMT 1
Post by lazyshrew on Apr 14, 2005 20:02:15 GMT 1
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 20:08:24 GMT 1
Post by powell_stfc on Apr 14, 2005 20:08:24 GMT 1
i cud quite easily cancel ur place on the coach 4 saturday Mr Lazy
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 20:15:35 GMT 1
Post by Ratcliffesghost on Apr 14, 2005 20:15:35 GMT 1
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar in Miami and says to the barman, "I want you to call me David Hoff". The barman replies "Sure thing Dave... no hassle."
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 20:18:32 GMT 1
Post by ShrewsAde on Apr 14, 2005 20:18:32 GMT 1
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? Arsene Wenger "From my position in the dug-out I did not see the incident clearly so I cannot really comment. However, I do think that he gets picked on by opposition players and fans who are clearly chickenophobic." David O'Leary "To be fair, he's just a baby chicken really and crossing the road is just a big exciting adventure for him. He'll enjoy the experience as long as it lasts and learn from it, but I don't seriously expect him to cross it this season." Alex Ferguson "As far as I'm concerned he crossed the road at least a minute early according to my watch." George Graham "I want good, solid team of chickens who'll cross the road in a straight line when they're told and how they're told. There's no room at this club for a prima donna chicken running around aimlessly - he's not worth it!" Gianluca Vialli "When the fish are down, he'll just be one of the chaps. It doesn't matter to me whether he's an Italian, French or English chicken as long as he's willing to die on the pitch." Peter Reid "Just cross the f***ing road, you chicken f***!" Glenn Hoddle "The chicken was hit by the lorry when crossing the road because in a previous life it had been a bad chicken." Brian Clough "If God had wanted chickens to cross roads he'd have put corn in the tarmac. Anyway, I'm more interested in Wild Turkey." Ron Atkinson "Spotter's badge, Clive. For me, Chicko's popped up at the back stick, little eyebrows, and gone bang! And I'll tell you what - I've got a sneaking feeling that this road's there to be crossed." Ruud Gullit "I am hoping to see some sexy poultry." Gordon Strachan "I'm really proud of the wee fella. Let's face it, if it had been one of the big chickens everyone would be saying how well he'd done, but as it's one of the wee chickens it must be luck." John Gregory "Two months ago that chicken was saying he was happy here. Now he tells me he wants to cross the road. I feel like shooting him." Kevin Keegan "OK, so the chicken's dead, but I still feel, hey, he can go all the way to the other side of the road." Joe Royle "I can't understand why they're letting female chickens cross roads these days. They should be at home laying eggs." Bobby Robson "Goose, what turkey, is there a duck somewhere, where am I?" HOMER SIMPSON - MMMMM CHIIIIIIICKEN
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 20:19:00 GMT 1
Post by lazyshrew on Apr 14, 2005 20:19:00 GMT 1
i cud quite easily cancel ur place on the coach 4 saturday Mr Lazy I wasnt under the impression you were organising the coach
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 20:19:42 GMT 1
Post by aleix on Apr 14, 2005 20:19:42 GMT 1
Bloke walks into a bookshop and asks the guy behind the desk:
Do you have any book to make friends you ugly ****ing barsteward?
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 20:24:25 GMT 1
Post by powell_stfc on Apr 14, 2005 20:24:25 GMT 1
Well obviously not lazy BUT i did book ur place u do not know the number and u are probably 2 scared 2 ring up 4 urself
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 20:26:20 GMT 1
Post by telfordSHREWS on Apr 14, 2005 20:26:20 GMT 1
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world." They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy! "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world," Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world." Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated, "Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?"
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 20:33:05 GMT 1
Post by powell_stfc on Apr 14, 2005 20:33:05 GMT 1
AHA speaking of Quasimodo:
Quasimodo asks Esmerelda one day " Am i the ugliest man alive"
To which she replies " Y don't u go ask the magic mirror on the wall and he will tell u" So Quasimodo later comes back.. and Esmerelda asks " So what did he say"
In which he replied " Who's Ian Dowie??
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 20:43:55 GMT 1
Post by john on Apr 14, 2005 20:43:55 GMT 1
A frog goes to the vets and says " Mr Vet I have a yellow willy" The vet takes a look and says "hmm you'll have to see the wizard of oz" "where do I find him?" says the frog "go outside and follow the yellow bricked road" says the doc. So off the frog goes! A rabbit then goes to the vet and says "Mr Vet I have a red willy" The vet looks at the rabbit's willy and says "you'll have to see the wizard of oz" "Where do I find him?" asks the rabbit The vet says "follow the yellow pricked toad"
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 20:50:30 GMT 1
Post by somersetshrew on Apr 14, 2005 20:50:30 GMT 1
I told the doctor that I dreamt I wrote lord of the rings. he said
"you've been Tolkein in your sleep"
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 20:52:05 GMT 1
Post by aleix on Apr 14, 2005 20:52:05 GMT 1
What do a Xmas tree and the Pope have in commonP? Their balls are for decoration
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 21:25:14 GMT 1
Post by blueandamber on Apr 14, 2005 21:25:14 GMT 1
Chester City Football Club.
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 21:27:12 GMT 1
Post by aleix on Apr 14, 2005 21:27:12 GMT 1
Chester City Football Club. I've told you a million times not to make fun of people who haven't been born mentally quick!
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 21:30:52 GMT 1
Post by blueandamber on Apr 14, 2005 21:30:52 GMT 1
What is the height of frustration?
A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
How do you put a baby in a blender?
Feet first to see the look on it's face.
(if the last one is ott pm me i'll delete it)
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 21:34:56 GMT 1
Post by Lord Elpus Hall on Apr 14, 2005 21:34:56 GMT 1
QuasiModo is running away from a gang of kids shouting" flip off-I havent got your bal!!!!"
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 21:36:16 GMT 1
Post by aleix on Apr 14, 2005 21:36:16 GMT 1
Your mum is so stupid she died of hunger when she got locked up in a supermarket.
Your mum is so fat that if her arse was toast she would have to have it buttered with an oar ;D
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 21:36:36 GMT 1
Post by Annie Seedball on Apr 14, 2005 21:36:36 GMT 1
Hey Quasi-Whats that lump in your trouser pocket?
Quasi replies "Its a picture of me Dad"
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 21:38:07 GMT 1
Post by The beancounter on Apr 14, 2005 21:38:07 GMT 1
Good one on buckschat today What did the fish say when it swam into the wall DAM !
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 21:38:29 GMT 1
Post by aleix on Apr 14, 2005 21:38:29 GMT 1
Your mum is so stupid she dances to the music of the news ;D
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HandsOffMeadowEnjoyment
Guest
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Joke...
Apr 14, 2005 21:45:47 GMT 1
Post by HandsOffMeadowEnjoyment on Apr 14, 2005 21:45:47 GMT 1
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? Arsene Wenger "From my position in the dug-out I did not see the incident clearly so I cannot really comment. However, I do think that he gets picked on by opposition players and fans who are clearly chickenophobic." David O'Leary "To be fair, he's just a baby chicken really and crossing the road is just a big exciting adventure for him. He'll enjoy the experience as long as it lasts and learn from it, but I don't seriously expect him to cross it this season." Alex Ferguson "As far as I'm concerned he crossed the road at least a minute early according to my watch." George Graham "I want good, solid team of chickens who'll cross the road in a straight line when they're told and how they're told. There's no room at this club for a prima donna chicken running around aimlessly - he's not worth it!" Gianluca Vialli "When the fish are down, he'll just be one of the chaps. It doesn't matter to me whether he's an Italian, French or English chicken as long as he's willing to die on the pitch." Peter Reid "Just cross the f***ing road, you chicken f***!" Glenn Hoddle "The chicken was hit by the lorry when crossing the road because in a previous life it had been a bad chicken." Brian Clough "If God had wanted chickens to cross roads he'd have put corn in the tarmac. Anyway, I'm more interested in Wild Turkey." Ron Atkinson "Spotter's badge, Clive. For me, Chicko's popped up at the back stick, little eyebrows, and gone bang! And I'll tell you what - I've got a sneaking feeling that this road's there to be crossed." Ruud Gullit "I am hoping to see some sexy poultry." Gordon Strachan "I'm really proud of the wee fella. Let's face it, if it had been one of the big chickens everyone would be saying how well he'd done, but as it's one of the wee chickens it must be luck." John Gregory "Two months ago that chicken was saying he was happy here. Now he tells me he wants to cross the road. I feel like shooting him." Kevin Keegan "OK, so the chicken's dead, but I still feel, hey, he can go all the way to the other side of the road." Joe Royle "I can't understand why they're letting female chickens cross roads these days. They should be at home laying eggs." Bobby Robson "Goose, what turkey, is there a duck somewhere, where am I?" Gary Peters "the opposition raised their game when they saw that the chicken was leaving early"
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chrisj
Midland League Division Two
Just get on with it.
Posts: 164
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Post by chrisj on Apr 15, 2005 7:06:44 GMT 1
Gary Peters "the opposition raised their game when they saw that the chicken was leaving early" Best one yet!
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Post by The Shropshire Tenor on Apr 15, 2005 8:23:18 GMT 1
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? Arsene Wenger "From my position in the dug-out I did not see the incident clearly so I cannot really comment. However, I do think that he gets picked on by opposition players and fans who are clearly chickenophobic." David O'Leary "To be fair, he's just a baby chicken really and crossing the road is just a big exciting adventure for him. He'll enjoy the experience as long as it lasts and learn from it, but I don't seriously expect him to cross it this season." Alex Ferguson "As far as I'm concerned he crossed the road at least a minute early according to my watch." George Graham "I want good, solid team of chickens who'll cross the road in a straight line when they're told and how they're told. There's no room at this club for a prima donna chicken running around aimlessly - he's not worth it!" Gianluca Vialli "When the fish are down, he'll just be one of the chaps. It doesn't matter to me whether he's an Italian, French or English chicken as long as he's willing to die on the pitch." Peter Reid "Just cross the f***ing road, you chicken f***!" Glenn Hoddle "The chicken was hit by the lorry when crossing the road because in a previous life it had been a bad chicken." Brian Clough "If God had wanted chickens to cross roads he'd have put corn in the tarmac. Anyway, I'm more interested in Wild Turkey." Ron Atkinson "Spotter's badge, Clive. For me, Chicko's popped up at the back stick, little eyebrows, and gone bang! And I'll tell you what - I've got a sneaking feeling that this road's there to be crossed." Ruud Gullit "I am hoping to see some sexy poultry." Gordon Strachan "I'm really proud of the wee fella. Let's face it, if it had been one of the big chickens everyone would be saying how well he'd done, but as it's one of the wee chickens it must be luck." John Gregory "Two months ago that chicken was saying he was happy here. Now he tells me he wants to cross the road. I feel like shooting him." Kevin Keegan "OK, so the chicken's dead, but I still feel, hey, he can go all the way to the other side of the road." Joe Royle "I can't understand why they're letting female chickens cross roads these days. They should be at home laying eggs." Bobby Robson "Goose, what turkey, is there a duck somewhere, where am I?" Jimmy Quinn "I told those chickens not to cross the road, it worked fine in pre-season friendlies, but what can I do if the chickens don't follow my instructions?"
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Post by duncowshrew on Apr 15, 2005 8:39:51 GMT 1
Bloke from Woodside goes into the local Jobcentre and says to the girl behind the desk"I've been unemployed for 20 years,getting my giros every week,but I've decided to mend my ways and get a job". Girl clicks on the computer and says"this might interest you. Chaufeur for the richest guy in Telford. You have to pick up his nymphomaniac wife every day,take her shopping then to the gym,take her to lunch,and then look after her every physical need. At night you have to take his equally demanding 18 yr old daughter clubbing and look after her needs.There's plenty of foreign travel and it pays 2 grand a week,cash in hand" Bloke says "are you taking the p**s ?" Girl says "well you started it!!"
What's brown and half-eaten? The Pope's easter egg. (sorry)
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