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Joke
May 14, 2004 23:59:36 GMT 1
Post by MRJPSHREW on May 14, 2004 23:59:36 GMT 1
In today’s advertising rat race, there is no margin for error when a company looks for the most appropriate player to endorse their business.
Ronaldo is sponsored by Nike because the Brazilian makes good use of sportswear to score great goals in big games, whilst Michael Owen is sponsored by Lucozade because he uses the drink to keep his stamina up near the end of a game.
Continuing the trend is Leicester bad-boy Paul Dickov who, according to Leicester's match programme, is aptly sponsored by Harvey Ingram Owston – a firm of solicitors…
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Joke
May 15, 2004 0:03:21 GMT 1
Post by PorkyShrew on May 15, 2004 0:03:21 GMT 1
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Joke
May 15, 2004 0:05:46 GMT 1
Post by grinfish on May 15, 2004 0:05:46 GMT 1
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouser bloke 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.
Leaning over, he cups his huge ear "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer.
"I've never seen you react like that" he says "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."
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Joke
May 15, 2004 0:07:28 GMT 1
Post by MRJPSHREW on May 15, 2004 0:07:28 GMT 1
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Joke
May 15, 2004 0:09:40 GMT 1
Post by grinfish on May 15, 2004 0:09:40 GMT 1
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job". The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary package is 3,200,000 a year".
The scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!" The man behind the counter said "Well you f***** started it!"
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Joke
May 15, 2004 0:14:53 GMT 1
Post by MRJPSHREW on May 15, 2004 0:14:53 GMT 1
A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly across from an old man. The young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body are covered with piercings and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.
The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across the city.
Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."
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Joke
May 15, 2004 0:26:01 GMT 1
Post by grinfish on May 15, 2004 0:26:01 GMT 1
This is an authentic letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun newspaper:
I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Liverpool. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time working girl in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off he streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Scouser ?
;D
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Joke
May 15, 2004 0:29:25 GMT 1
Post by MRJPSHREW on May 15, 2004 0:29:25 GMT 1
nice
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Joke
May 15, 2004 0:34:03 GMT 1
Post by MRJPSHREW on May 15, 2004 0:34:03 GMT 1
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
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