I don't know about anyone else- but I must have got way,way, too "high" on all the Christmas fun and frolics. it's all gone down like a lead balloon now- I've got Post Christmas cold turkey!!! The last result didn't help, either I haven't geared up into work-mode yet January is like one long hangover. Anyone know any good jokes?
A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong. "Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put £50 on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me £20 change!''
Good one JP! ;D Mr Wiggy's friend has sent us this one:- It's a silly joke The Partying Husband: A man left for work one friday Afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home, sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly 2 hours, as befitted his actions. Finally, his wife said to him," How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That will be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came with the same result. On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough -so he could see her out of the corner of his left eye.
Is that THE SAME passport info link we had before on this board, J.P. If so, I thought I'd try and find some info about someone I knew many, many years ago. Guess what I found? - He's still the same crafty MONKEY he was in the 1960s!!! (Yes! I was fooled- ha, ha!!)
A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating." The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room." ;D
A man with a sore elbow is chatting with a mate. He explains his malady, and his friend suggests he tries out a new-fangled gadget.
"Outside the chemists is a Digital Doctor. You put a urine sample in it, put five quid in, and it'll diagnose your problem and suggest the best cure!"
The man could hardly believe this, but gives it a try. He bottles a sample, takes it along, puts in in the machine with the money, and waits.
The machine whirrs and clicks a bit, then out feeds a small slip of paper.
"You have Tennis Elbow. Bathe elbow in warm water for 1 hour, and rest arm for 3 days".
The man does this, and is relieved to find his arm is fine. However, he can't believe the machine is flawless, and decides to test it to the limit.
He prepares another sample, but this time adds his wife's urine, some of his dog's outgoings, a piece of chewing gum his daughter spat out, some tap water, then the finishing touch - he has a quick hand-shandy into the sample bottle.
He walks to the machine, smiling smugly.
"This'll get yer", he snickers, as he feeds the sample into the machine with his cash.
Several minutes of whirring, clicking and clunking later, a much longer printout is ejected from the machine. It reads thus:
"Your daughter has a vitamin deficiency. She should eat more fruits and cereals.
Your dog has worms. Obtain worming tablets from a Vet.
Your tap water is hard. Add softener.
Your Wife is Pregnant, it's NOT yours, and if you keep doing that, you filthy b*st**d, you'll get your Tennis Elbow back!!"
One day in a small town in the middle of nowhere sat a lonely bartender in an empty bar. As he was getting ready to close down, three ducks walked through the front doors. They waddled on over to the bar and grabbed a stool. The bartender walked over them looked at the first duck and said, ''How was your day?''
''Not too bad, since I was in and out of puddles all day,'' replied the duck. ''What is your name?'' the bartender asked. ''Hewy, and I'll have a beer.''
The bartender asks the next duck the same question and gets the same answer, that his day was pretty good because he was in and out of puddles all day, and his name was Dewy.
The bartender looks at the third duck and says, ''Let me guess your name is Lewy'' The duck looked up at him with a tired look on his face and said, ''My name is puddles, and don't ask me how my bloody day was!''
Three nuns used to go to the church from their homes every day. On the way they would pass a house where a parrot lived. The parrot would call out three colors every time the nuns would pass by. They soon realized that the parrot was calling out the colors of their respective underpants. They tried to fool the parrot by switching positions while walking and even wearing different colored underpants every day, but the parrot was never wrong. Finally they devised a way to fool the parrot by not wearing any underpants at all. When they walked across the house the parrot spoke out loud, ''Straight, straight, curly.''
Pilch got home late from work one night with mud, leaves and sticks all over his car. His wife asked him what had happened. "I have run over Greg Rioch" "But how come your car is covered with mud, leaves and sticks?" she asks. "Well the git tryed to escape through the woods" ;D
Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.
He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behaviour. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought this might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of beating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"
Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
Bloke from Telford on holiday in New York on Sept 11 when the Twin Towers go up. Wakes up a few minutes later and surveys the scene. Big hole in the ground, people bleeding in the street, burning cars and a fair bit of looting going on.
New York paramedic comes to his aid and says " where you from buddy?"
"Telford, owld jockey lad"
"What States that in , buddy?"
"Not much different to this really"
There is but one God. His name is Paul Rodgers. If you don't know who he is, then you are truly doomed!!
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